It was hot pink, very cute and came with matching boy shorts. I liked it a lot as did hubby, so my new bathing suit landed in our shopping cart and was soon on its way home with us.
I looked forward to wearing it and envisioned myself gracing the deck of the cruise ship on our upcoming vacation looking like a sexy swimsuit model.
“Let’s go in the hot tub” called my other half shortly after we arrived home. “You can try on your new suit. I’ll meet you out there in a few minutes.”
“Sure, why not” I replied, an image of myself looking like Christie Brinkley on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue flashing through my head. Ok, so maybe I’m not blonde, gorgeous, and paid big bucks to model, but I’ll bet I could pull off something close. After all, Martha Stewart made an appearance on the cover of the swimsuit issue last year and she had just turned 80. I can do this!
As I started to get undressed, I began feeling a bit trepidatious. I hadn’t put on bathing attire in quite some time, and I was feeling a bit nervous about how I would look. The dreamy likeness of a world-famous model’s body with my head on it was fading quickly. Looking down, I immediately understood my apprehension. OMG! Some gremlin had come in the middle of the night and left a gift of cellulite on my once smooth and toned thighs. A stealthy glance in the full-length mirror confirmed that unwelcome dimpled pockets had replaced the once toned and unwrinkled surface.
“Hey hon, where are you? Come on out. The water feels great, and I want to see your new suit.”
Sure, it’s only us in our backyard I tell myself. The golf course fairway beyond our fence is a good 50 yards away. Chances are good no one will see me. My plan to get outside, climb quickly into the hot tub and hide amid the bubbles worked. My wrinkly thighs were safely under water and out of sight.
That took care of the hot tub concern, but what of the larger issue of promenading on the cruise ship deck attempting to impersonate the famous Christie? I was no longer as confident as I had been a few hours earlier, and the hope of looking like a world-famous model was quickly fading. I knew I had to do something drastic so I did what any sane (spelled v-a-i-n) woman my age would do; I searched the internet for a speedy remedy.
Google: “How do I get rid of cellulite?” (enter) followed by “How do I get rid of cellulite quickly?” (enter)
This immediately followed by “Ways to lose weight and look fabulous in a bathing suit at 70(ish)” (enter) and “What bathing suits will not make you look like you’re an old lady?” (enter)
Okay - that last one is depressing. Let’s try another approach. Amazon knows - and sells - all. Searching …
“Products that remove cellulite.” Or “Eliminate cellulite in an instant.” Better. Voila! A few seconds later and I was scrolling to my heart’s content, reading reviews, and choosing something that promised my thighs would look like a teenager's again.
And just like that, Amazon Prime two day delivered a box containing the “Super-Slimming Super-Duper Magic Cellulite Remover Kit” right to my doorstep. It came with a money-back guarantee to work in 7 days or less. Since the cruise departure date was looming, I got started on the treatment right away. I slathered on the creamy gel, shimmied into the prescribed stretchy leggings that would help it absorb and smooth the bumps and sat down to wait while it worked its magic. It was the perfect time to relax and peruse the many spring and summer fashion catalogues that had accumulated on my coffee table.
I was religious about keeping up the regimen. A week later, however, a quick glance in the mirror revealed that, despite my careful application, the super-duper potion was not yielding equally super-duper results. I’d better try something else I thought - and quick. Our cruise is only 10 days away. Grabbing my car keys, catalogue, coupons and hubby we headed to the “Just Add Water” swimsuit store at the mall. Surely, I would find something cover girl worthy there.
After contemplating different styles on the “trim and slim” rack, I settled for a bathing suit below a poster of a slender gorgeous blonde wearing the very same suit. Fearfully exiting the dressing room, I was met with exclamations from my wonderful man about how fantastic I looked. I haltingly asked, “As good as the girl on the poster?” “Better!” he instantly said. I had a realization that when it comes to looking fantastic in a bathing suit at my age, nothing beats an adoring husband who still sees the girl he married. Christie Brinkley never looked so good!
© 2024 Annie Sokoloff